Corps members are certainly aware of the ups and downs of the economy. When the prices of gas and airline tickets go up, it's more of a challenge for them to drive or fly to rehearsal camps, often requiring them to pinch pennies somewhere else. The glamour of marching in a drum corps comes at a price ... It's not cheap to tour the country on a bus, sleep on gym floors and shower in school locker rooms.
But what if money was no object? What if corps members could travel in ultimate style and truly live it up while on tour? Here are some items that would make any tour more bearable and more stylish, and would suffice for even the most discriminating Kardashian.
It's time to pack up to get on tour, and you're not going to just throw your designer duds in any old Samsonite clothes transport cubicle. That's where the Caimen Wardrobe Trunk comes in. It's large, it's leather, and it comes with custom hangers that would meet the approval of Joan Crawford. Your clothes don't come from Walmart, so why should your clothes' home away from home? Clothes are people, too.
BillionaireCoutureUSA.com | $87,000
What better way to get around the vast expanses of rehearsal fields than to hop on a flying bicycle? Introducing the XploreAir Parvelo, the world's first flying bicycle. This parawing bike can cruise at 25 mph in the air and is able to reach an altitude of 4,000 feet. (What could possibly go wrong?) It's also got handlebars powered by xenon gas strobes, so at night you can be responsible for countless UFO sightings.
Hammacher.com | $45,000
Perhaps the most important part of making it through a rehearsal day is staying hydrated. But why put up with boring tap water from a municipal water system that is unceremoniously dumped into a portable water cooler, or worse yet, run through a garden hose that was previously used to wash down the corps' equipment truck?
Introducing Bling H2O, the water your body deserves. There is no better way to let your fellow corpsmates know you care about what you put inside of you than to show up to the practice field with frosted bottles gloriously encrusted with Swarovski crystals. The water is sourced from a spring in Tennessee, a state synonymous with high-end water. Yes, Bling H2O is now available in 16.9 oz. plastic bottles with twist-off caps, but that would be like parking a $4.5 million Lamborghini Veneno Roadster outside a Taco Bell.
BlingH20.com | $39.98 per 750ml bottle
Hey, you're not going to toss your bottles of Bling H2O into a bucket of ice to cool them down. We're not savages, you know. Of course, you'll need to buy a Meneghini Arredamenti La Cambúse Refrigerator to do the trick. In addition, you can also use it to store your imported Brie, because corps members don't live on water alone.
With any luck, you'll be able to talk the kitchen crew into leaving behind one of the stock refrigerators on the food truck and replace it with this beauty, because ... well, because you deserve it. Go for the solid oak finish. If you bought the ash wood version ... Well, you wouldn't. You just plain wouldn't.
TheRichest.com | $41,000
You'll want to stay in touch with the servants you left back home in order to make sure they're remembering to feed your peacocks, or to remind your parents to add money to your trust fund. It should go without saying that you certainly won't want to talk on the same type of everyday iPhone as your fellow corps members.
Impress everyone with a solid gold iPhone, complete with 53 flawless diamonds in the logo. This wonder boasts 128 grams of 18ct gold, because anything less would simply be catering to barbarians.
StuartHughes.com | $37,000
You'll need to protect your eyes from the glare of your sparkly iPhone on the football field, and there's no better way to tell everyone that even the top of your nose has unlimited class than letting a pair of Giorgio Armani sunglasses reside atop your schnoz. The frames are made of black acetate that would make Marcello Mastroianni proud. They are "presented" in a Giorgio Armani case, because how couldn't they be?
While the overview states, "Shield your eyes from the glaring sunlight with stylish eyewear worthy of a double take," you'll really be shielding your eyes from the glare of less worthy sunglasses bought by the tuba section at truck stops.
Harrods.com | $881
When you head outside with your Armani sunglasses, make sure the rest of your body is protected from the sun with La Roche-Posay Anthelios Spray SPF 50+ Mexoryl SX & Mexoryl XL. Why slather yourself in the sunscreens of the hoi polloi when you can cover yourself in a formula that's gentle enough for an infant?
SkinCareLab.com | $75 for 6.8oz bottle
Eating meals off a semi-trailer turned kitchen is certainly gauche for the upper crust of the drum corps elite. Instead, you can find a personal chef for everywhere you travel via the American Personal & Private Chef Association. The chefs can prepare your meals in their own kitchens and bring them straight to your rehearsal site. The cost is variable depending on entr?©es and deserts, but expect to pay through your La Roche-Posay sunscreened nose. The chef will also be impressed with your Meneghini Arredamenti Refrigerator and will want to fill it with pastries that would be worthy of whomever Oprah is using these days to bake her decadent chocolate/raspberry tortes and lemon petits fours.
PersonalChefSearch.com | Price varies by decadent taste
You need relief from the sun during your Bling H2O breaks, and this Italian hand-made designer parasol does the trick with Swarovski elements showering the burgundy canopy, a golden shaft and a globe ball attached to the end. If you're a male, don't let the "ladies" designation scare you. Be bold, be you, be shaded.
UmbrellaHeaven.com | $488
After those outdoor rehearsals, even your toned body will be in need of refreshing. Because like it or not, you're going to sweat just like the scum of the earth who cleans your gutters back home at your beach house. According to the product details, this glorious product is weighed, mixed, macerated and filtered by hand. And if you've ever macerated anything by machine, you know just how personally unfulfilling that can be.
But, without question, the best part of this product is its "Notes." It has Top Notes of royal Indian sandalwood, cinnamon evoking calm and home, divine coriander, and fragrant and cleansing juniper berry. It's Middle Notes are tender lavender, leaves of the absolute orange tree, fragrant rosemary, and revitalizing ginger. It's Base Notes are soulful Tonka bean and dreamlike vanilla. And the snozberries taste like snozberries too.
NeimanMarcus.com | $90 for 6.8 oz. bottle
While you're transporting your Adonis frame in the shower, you'll want to keep your feet protected from the yuck of those who preceded you in getting clean. That's why you'll want to wear these hand-painted sandals by Los Angeles artist David Palmer, which cost three times what I paid for my first car. My car gave me 11.5 years of quality service, but that's nothing compared to what these sandals will do for the environment. With the purchase of these sandals, Chipkos will protect 100,000 square feet of Costa Rican rain forest. That's the equivalent of a typical square city block of about 2.25 acres. If you don't buy these sandals, you might as well just walk up to a Mantle Howler Monkey and tell him that he and his friends the Poison Dart Frog and Spectacled Caiman can take a flying leap off the top row of Lucas Oil Stadium during the World Championship Finals.
Chipkos.com | $18,000
Wait a moment ... You're going to use the shower room that comes standard with your corps' temporary living facility? Oh no, you're certainly not going to use those scuzzy toilet facilities inside the humid and smelly high school locker rooms. I think not! Here's your solution ... a portable toilet and shower truck (for one). It features a dual 20# propane tank for hot water on demand. No more cold and communal showers! It's also got a hands-free soap and paper towel dispenser and is climate controlled. And it can be towed by an SUV.
PortableRestRoomTrailers.com | $28,980
You didn't think for one moment that you'd tow your Executive Series trailer with any old SUV, did you? Oh, the humanity! For that purpose, you'll want nothing less than a Lexus LX 570, which comes complete with a nine-speaker stereo system and satellite radio. (You certainly weren't considering riding a corps bus, were you?)
Lexus.com | $82,000
Do your laundry on the road any time you wish, without patiently waiting for laundry day. Or, better yet, have your servants do your laundry for you. They could even drive the Lexus SUV while you relax in the back seat between show locations. This item both washes your clothes and dries them, and you can transport it inside your shower/restroom trailer.
CampingWorld.com | $1,200
After a full day of being out in the sun and under the lights, you've earned the right to sleep on a luxury inflatable mattress. Go for the king-size edition to be the envy of all of your friends trying to find space on the floor of a junior high-sized gymnasium. This mattress has a whisper-quiet air pump and is topped with an oh-so-luxurious quilted cashmere mattress cover. Sweet dreams!
Overstock.com | $1,199
Okay, after giving all this some additional thought, forget about the wardrobe trunk, the refrigerator, the shower/restroom trailer, the SUV, the washer/dryer combo, and the air mattress. You don't need any of that stuff if you simply buy yourself this wondrous Austrian land yacht. As it would perform so many duties in one tidy package, how could you possibly resist the urge to consolidate your needs into this picture of contemporary wonder?
In addition to looking more suave than Ryan Gosling squinting his way down the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival, the Palazzo combines a sports car rear diffuser, a business jet gangway and a motor yacht flybridge for rooftop partying ... not to mention a luxurious fireplace. You'll have corps staff members begging to ride along to the next destination. Use that leverage to get that solo you wanted that was erroneously given to a corps member that has more talent.
Marchi-Mobile.com | $3 million
The season is over and it's time to say goodbye to the cultural heathens who have graciously allowed you to enhance their presence all summer, those who choked on the dust of your sandals while basking in the light of your radiant glow. You want to get home quickly and you don't have time to waste spread out in your eleMMent Palazzo RV as it lumbers down the interstate. You, of course, are going to fly home. But after everything you've been through, are you going to step foot inside the terminal at Indianapolis International Airport? Do you really want to end your tour by risking walking past a McDonald's or catching a waft of the airport's Qdoba? Get a grip!
Of course you don't. What you want is to head north to First Wing Aircraft Charter at Eagle Creek Airpark to charter a N580BC Citation Excel to take you home in the comfort you've earned. The Excel is a Cessna craft powered by turbofans and is the best-selling business jet in the world, perhaps because it has the roomiest cabin in its class. There's no better way to say, "So long, suckers," than taking off into the wild blue yonder with the Circle City disappearing behind you.
JetCharters.com | $3,400 per hour (plus return)
I guess you could bring one of these on tour with you too, but let's not get silly.
But what if money was no object? What if corps members could travel in ultimate style and truly live it up while on tour? Here are some items that would make any tour more bearable and more stylish, and would suffice for even the most discriminating Kardashian.
Caimen Wardrobe Trunk
It's time to pack up to get on tour, and you're not going to just throw your designer duds in any old Samsonite clothes transport cubicle. That's where the Caimen Wardrobe Trunk comes in. It's large, it's leather, and it comes with custom hangers that would meet the approval of Joan Crawford. Your clothes don't come from Walmart, so why should your clothes' home away from home? Clothes are people, too.
BillionaireCoutureUSA.com | $87,000
XploreAir Parvelo Flying Bicycle
What better way to get around the vast expanses of rehearsal fields than to hop on a flying bicycle? Introducing the XploreAir Parvelo, the world's first flying bicycle. This parawing bike can cruise at 25 mph in the air and is able to reach an altitude of 4,000 feet. (What could possibly go wrong?) It's also got handlebars powered by xenon gas strobes, so at night you can be responsible for countless UFO sightings.
Hammacher.com | $45,000
Bling H2O
Perhaps the most important part of making it through a rehearsal day is staying hydrated. But why put up with boring tap water from a municipal water system that is unceremoniously dumped into a portable water cooler, or worse yet, run through a garden hose that was previously used to wash down the corps' equipment truck?
Introducing Bling H2O, the water your body deserves. There is no better way to let your fellow corpsmates know you care about what you put inside of you than to show up to the practice field with frosted bottles gloriously encrusted with Swarovski crystals. The water is sourced from a spring in Tennessee, a state synonymous with high-end water. Yes, Bling H2O is now available in 16.9 oz. plastic bottles with twist-off caps, but that would be like parking a $4.5 million Lamborghini Veneno Roadster outside a Taco Bell.
BlingH20.com | $39.98 per 750ml bottle
Meneghini Arredamenti Refrigerator
Hey, you're not going to toss your bottles of Bling H2O into a bucket of ice to cool them down. We're not savages, you know. Of course, you'll need to buy a Meneghini Arredamenti La Cambúse Refrigerator to do the trick. In addition, you can also use it to store your imported Brie, because corps members don't live on water alone.
With any luck, you'll be able to talk the kitchen crew into leaving behind one of the stock refrigerators on the food truck and replace it with this beauty, because ... well, because you deserve it. Go for the solid oak finish. If you bought the ash wood version ... Well, you wouldn't. You just plain wouldn't.
TheRichest.com | $41,000
Solid Gold iPhone 5 by Stuart Hughes
You'll want to stay in touch with the servants you left back home in order to make sure they're remembering to feed your peacocks, or to remind your parents to add money to your trust fund. It should go without saying that you certainly won't want to talk on the same type of everyday iPhone as your fellow corps members.
Impress everyone with a solid gold iPhone, complete with 53 flawless diamonds in the logo. This wonder boasts 128 grams of 18ct gold, because anything less would simply be catering to barbarians.
StuartHughes.com | $37,000
Giorgio Armani Embellished Square Frame Sunglasses
You'll need to protect your eyes from the glare of your sparkly iPhone on the football field, and there's no better way to tell everyone that even the top of your nose has unlimited class than letting a pair of Giorgio Armani sunglasses reside atop your schnoz. The frames are made of black acetate that would make Marcello Mastroianni proud. They are "presented" in a Giorgio Armani case, because how couldn't they be?
While the overview states, "Shield your eyes from the glaring sunlight with stylish eyewear worthy of a double take," you'll really be shielding your eyes from the glare of less worthy sunglasses bought by the tuba section at truck stops.
Harrods.com | $881
La Roche-Posay Anthelios Spray SPF 50 Sunscreen
When you head outside with your Armani sunglasses, make sure the rest of your body is protected from the sun with La Roche-Posay Anthelios Spray SPF 50+ Mexoryl SX & Mexoryl XL. Why slather yourself in the sunscreens of the hoi polloi when you can cover yourself in a formula that's gentle enough for an infant?
SkinCareLab.com | $75 for 6.8oz bottle
Private Chef
Eating meals off a semi-trailer turned kitchen is certainly gauche for the upper crust of the drum corps elite. Instead, you can find a personal chef for everywhere you travel via the American Personal & Private Chef Association. The chefs can prepare your meals in their own kitchens and bring them straight to your rehearsal site. The cost is variable depending on entr?©es and deserts, but expect to pay through your La Roche-Posay sunscreened nose. The chef will also be impressed with your Meneghini Arredamenti Refrigerator and will want to fill it with pastries that would be worthy of whomever Oprah is using these days to bake her decadent chocolate/raspberry tortes and lemon petits fours.
PersonalChefSearch.com | Price varies by decadent taste
Pasotti Ladies Designer Umbrella
You need relief from the sun during your Bling H2O breaks, and this Italian hand-made designer parasol does the trick with Swarovski elements showering the burgundy canopy, a golden shaft and a globe ball attached to the end. If you're a male, don't let the "ladies" designation scare you. Be bold, be you, be shaded.
UmbrellaHeaven.com | $488
Creed Original Santai Hair and Body Wash
After those outdoor rehearsals, even your toned body will be in need of refreshing. Because like it or not, you're going to sweat just like the scum of the earth who cleans your gutters back home at your beach house. According to the product details, this glorious product is weighed, mixed, macerated and filtered by hand. And if you've ever macerated anything by machine, you know just how personally unfulfilling that can be.
But, without question, the best part of this product is its "Notes." It has Top Notes of royal Indian sandalwood, cinnamon evoking calm and home, divine coriander, and fragrant and cleansing juniper berry. It's Middle Notes are tender lavender, leaves of the absolute orange tree, fragrant rosemary, and revitalizing ginger. It's Base Notes are soulful Tonka bean and dreamlike vanilla. And the snozberries taste like snozberries too.
NeimanMarcus.com | $90 for 6.8 oz. bottle
David Palmer Chipkos Sandals
While you're transporting your Adonis frame in the shower, you'll want to keep your feet protected from the yuck of those who preceded you in getting clean. That's why you'll want to wear these hand-painted sandals by Los Angeles artist David Palmer, which cost three times what I paid for my first car. My car gave me 11.5 years of quality service, but that's nothing compared to what these sandals will do for the environment. With the purchase of these sandals, Chipkos will protect 100,000 square feet of Costa Rican rain forest. That's the equivalent of a typical square city block of about 2.25 acres. If you don't buy these sandals, you might as well just walk up to a Mantle Howler Monkey and tell him that he and his friends the Poison Dart Frog and Spectacled Caiman can take a flying leap off the top row of Lucas Oil Stadium during the World Championship Finals.
Chipkos.com | $18,000
Executive Series Single Station Combo Shower/Restroom Trailer
Wait a moment ... You're going to use the shower room that comes standard with your corps' temporary living facility? Oh no, you're certainly not going to use those scuzzy toilet facilities inside the humid and smelly high school locker rooms. I think not! Here's your solution ... a portable toilet and shower truck (for one). It features a dual 20# propane tank for hot water on demand. No more cold and communal showers! It's also got a hands-free soap and paper towel dispenser and is climate controlled. And it can be towed by an SUV.
PortableRestRoomTrailers.com | $28,980
2014 Lexus LX 570 SUV
You didn't think for one moment that you'd tow your Executive Series trailer with any old SUV, did you? Oh, the humanity! For that purpose, you'll want nothing less than a Lexus LX 570, which comes complete with a nine-speaker stereo system and satellite radio. (You certainly weren't considering riding a corps bus, were you?)
Lexus.com | $82,000
Splendide 2100XC Washer/Dryer Combo
Do your laundry on the road any time you wish, without patiently waiting for laundry day. Or, better yet, have your servants do your laundry for you. They could even drive the Lexus SUV while you relax in the back seat between show locations. This item both washes your clothes and dries them, and you can transport it inside your shower/restroom trailer.
CampingWorld.com | $1,200
Better Snooze Air Comfort California King-Size Adjustable Air Mattress
After a full day of being out in the sun and under the lights, you've earned the right to sleep on a luxury inflatable mattress. Go for the king-size edition to be the envy of all of your friends trying to find space on the floor of a junior high-sized gymnasium. This mattress has a whisper-quiet air pump and is topped with an oh-so-luxurious quilted cashmere mattress cover. Sweet dreams!
Overstock.com | $1,199
Marchi Mobile eleMMent Palazzo
Okay, after giving all this some additional thought, forget about the wardrobe trunk, the refrigerator, the shower/restroom trailer, the SUV, the washer/dryer combo, and the air mattress. You don't need any of that stuff if you simply buy yourself this wondrous Austrian land yacht. As it would perform so many duties in one tidy package, how could you possibly resist the urge to consolidate your needs into this picture of contemporary wonder?
In addition to looking more suave than Ryan Gosling squinting his way down the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival, the Palazzo combines a sports car rear diffuser, a business jet gangway and a motor yacht flybridge for rooftop partying ... not to mention a luxurious fireplace. You'll have corps staff members begging to ride along to the next destination. Use that leverage to get that solo you wanted that was erroneously given to a corps member that has more talent.
Marchi-Mobile.com | $3 million
Charter Flight from Indianapolis
The season is over and it's time to say goodbye to the cultural heathens who have graciously allowed you to enhance their presence all summer, those who choked on the dust of your sandals while basking in the light of your radiant glow. You want to get home quickly and you don't have time to waste spread out in your eleMMent Palazzo RV as it lumbers down the interstate. You, of course, are going to fly home. But after everything you've been through, are you going to step foot inside the terminal at Indianapolis International Airport? Do you really want to end your tour by risking walking past a McDonald's or catching a waft of the airport's Qdoba? Get a grip!
Of course you don't. What you want is to head north to First Wing Aircraft Charter at Eagle Creek Airpark to charter a N580BC Citation Excel to take you home in the comfort you've earned. The Excel is a Cessna craft powered by turbofans and is the best-selling business jet in the world, perhaps because it has the roomiest cabin in its class. There's no better way to say, "So long, suckers," than taking off into the wild blue yonder with the Circle City disappearing behind you.
JetCharters.com | $3,400 per hour (plus return)
Personal Masseuse
I guess you could bring one of these on tour with you too, but let's not get silly.